Pain

All day ive felt the nawing of acid building in my stomach, and reaching up to the back of throat.   Top that off with having to get up at 430 and having to say goodbye to a very dear friend, it certainly has been a trying day.
I thought perhaps things were going to be getting better since bedtime was nearing for both the children and myself, when out of no where I had a shooting then radiating pain go through my chest. 
Its impossible not to panic with something like that.  Now my heart is pounding...always pounding.   Why is it always pounding?   Why is so desperate to escape.  I thought we were suppose to on the same page, but it seems its in there just waiting to do me in.  How will I ever improve my physical well being if I can't improve my mental well being. 
Either way I'm glad I'm not alone tonight, as I'm waiting for the cardiac episode that is surely is on its way.

Day two and I"m all ready failing.  Its past noon and I haven't even worked out yet.  Its terribly cold today.  When the tempreture drops my anxiety tends to climb.  Mix that with the lack of sunlight, that is why I hate this time of year.  Its so cold, I"m finding it hard to type this out.

Last night as I was relaxing on the couch, I had a bit of a heart blip.  I think it missed three whole beats.  While a normal heart beat sounds like lub bud, lub dub lub dub, mine was, lub.....lub....lub....lub dub.  That can't be right.  Slowly the pain started to set in.  Like the inside of my chest is bruised.  "Normal heart function"  Thats what my cardiologist keep telling me, after my yearly ecocardiograms, but I find it hard to believe that something like that is okay.  How is that okay?

Today i'm terrified its going to happen again.  Its kept me glued to my chair, to scared to exert myself.  That doesn't really make much sense though, since it happened while I was lying on the couch.  I wish it could just go away.  The fear.  Maybe someday it will.  Thats not helping me today.  I really am going to be fat forever, if I can't get off my ass and do something.  Tomorrow...tomorrow will be better.

Doesn't really seem like a good day to start such an important journey.  Its cold, its raining, my knees are aching as they always do when weather starts to turn cold.  My eyes barely want to stay open, and my back is not feeling like its on top of its game.

Its important to get all the complaining out of the was first,  I think it helps to get the negativity out of the way to make room for more positive thoughts.

Now I know I've done this 100 times before, but I don't think I've ever felt quite this determined.  This time its not just about loosing weight, although that is VERY  important, its about changing everything.  Everything in my life that I loathe.  Which is, lets face it, just about everything.  I'm tired of always being the "fat" one, and I"m tired of being scared all the time, and I"m tired of being miserable with my life.  I'm the only one who can change things.  I've always known this, but I"ve never done anything about.  I just sit around feeling self pity, but I don't do anything.  That's got to change.  Its up to me.  I'll fight against those who only want to bring me down, the unsupportive ones, who think that I am lazy or that think what they do is more important than when I need to do.  Fuck those who think they know better than me, and that my only purpose here is to take care of children and picking up after everyone like a GD maid.  Fuck all of them!!!!  I"m tired of all the bullshit and since I"m the only one who can change it, that's what I'm going to do.